Snow Cone is NOT a Pedo-bear

April 1, 2013

Snow ConeOR
Why I Like Bubble Wrap

When Skyrim first came out I bought it for the Playstation 3 because our X-box 360 was broken. The PS3 belonged to my roommate, but I work nights, so when I got home at three a.m. he staggered off to bed and I had dominion until morning. I played it for an awfully long time. It was the first Elder Scroll game that I had my hands on for any span, and I was in heaven. I can’t claim I was very good at it; My problem is that I am WICKEDLY easily distracted.

So, I’d be on a quest to find a person in a small town somewhere around Markarth and I’d come across a cave. Oo! Cave! I’d go inside just to clear out the bandits and get some loot. I’d sneak in with my war hammer, ready for action and slaughter everyone (like a boss). But then I’d come across so-and-so’s journal. That’d give me another quest. By that time my first quest was completely forgotten and I’d be off on another. Of course on the way there I might come across some more fire salts and turn around again. A lot of fun; not a lot of productivity.

My roommate became not my roommate for irrelevant reasons and the PS3 went away. My boyfriend made the assumption that I must be finished with Skyrim and sold the game. He just bleeping sold it…without consulting me! Coincidentally, I am in the market for a new boyfriend (just kidding?).

This kind of thing happens to me all the time. I wander around awkwardly, not accomplishing much, then when I finally make headway, someone rips the controller from my hands. I am getting used to my fail-life, but sometimes it is trying.

For example, a couple weeks ago I made the decision to read ‘Fifty Shades of Gray.’ Not my favorite decision, I’ll admit, though not for the reasons you may think. At any rate, I was wandering around reading the most well-known pornographical book in the country and I didn’t think much of it because…I do what I want. I can’t walk without reading. My brain wanders and I get confused and lost. My subconscious does a much better job of guiding me, so I just set my trajectories and lock a book in front of my face, spin around in circles and then GO. My current trajectory was set to the Opera House, a large venue in downtown Spokane meant for concerts and such. I was supposed to meet my friend, my daughter and her son for a Yo Gabba Gabba concert. (As a side note, Yo Gabba Gabba is a hip hop inspired children’s show, pretty cool actually. The live show, though is absolutely bone-chillingly terrifying. And they make you jump a lot. I seriously didn’t realize how much exercise I was committing to).

So there I was, in a book-face lock, standing in a flowing tide of children who were screaming at the top of their lungs. I like kids that I get to know, but when it comes to other people’s children…I guess just assume the worst. This drove me further into the exile of my fictional world, and caused me to ignore the flow of bodies that was casually pulling me to and fro.

A little ping went off in my brain. It poked me and asked if I oughtta be watching out for my friend and the kids. My head snapped up and I took in a scene: Two children, squished together in a friendly embrace, posing for a smiling mom with a camera. I was staring right at them as the mom clicked the picture.

I was photo-bombed in a picture, with NO KID of my own, holding a porno, staring at two little kids. Oh, cheese and crackers! The mom noticed me and ushered her children away. I wanted to tell her that I am not a pedophile! I feel like that would just make it worse, to run after her just say “Hey! I do NOT want to touch your children in naughty places, because I think they are gross and annoying. Wait, I mean, I wouldn’t anyway, but…well. F*ck.” I shook my head and started to pay more attention to my surroundings. I was standing in a sea of hostility. All those mom’s recognized my book, and it occurred to me that it probably wasn’t the most appropriate place to be reading erotic material. Well. Um. I casually slid the book away and Zoidberg shuffled around the corner to die in peace.

You can’t really do anything to avoid these things. Especially for those of you who are as life-challenged as I am. These things will continue to happen. You have to find something that makes you happy enough to get you through the day. For me…it’s bubble wrap.

Many people enjoy bubble wrap, but I kind of take it to a new level. Perhaps a level too far. I have a hard time not just straight up stealing it when I see it, which is inconvenient since I package mail at work. The packages sent on my day are about thirty percent less secure from damage. I try to distribute the ones I pop, so I am not ruining the functionality TOO much. They sell this bubble crack at Walmart too. I see it and it’s like I black out and I am popping and popping and a little voice in my head is screaming “NoooooOOOooo!” And I slap that voice aside and continue popping until I am drug away in cuffs and thrown into solitary confinement!

Okay, so it doesn’t happen EXACTLY like that, but you get the idea.

I like bubble wrap because it is a happy story in micro. A fulfilled life in tiny metaphor. You have an expectation for how much pressure will pop the bubble. It always takes a little more than that. You press harder and hope that you’ll get satisfaction in the end. And you do! Almost every single time. Unlike life, you are satisfied MUCH more often than you are disappointed. And when you are disappointed there is a bubble right next to it and the odds are that happiness is not ‘just around the corner’ but right. friggen. there. Anticipation: Action: Achievement. All in one instant. A pocket adventure that ends just how you want it to.

You just need things like that. I am sure that Mr. Douglas Adams would agree that when adventuring the universe, right next to your towel should be your bubble wrap. There are times when to do what is right you need to be uncomfortable, or even unhappy, for an awfully long time. Maybe good times are on the way, but in the meantime, you have to stay sane. So you need something. It can be anything really (though I recommend bubble wrap) that makes you happy RIGHT NOW. A picture of a loved one. A note that reminds you of something you achieved or a hardship you overcame. Anything that brings happiness to you every instant you touch it or think about it. One should always plan for the future, but in the end, all we ever have is right now.

One Response to Snow Cone is NOT a Pedo-bear

  • OMG I love my lil (ok,i cant call you lil cause your like 8 feet tall and im like 4 feet tall {hooray for hyperbole!}) spastic squirrel. This my dear friend is why Im reading the horrible books on my kindle. I usually read them when im donating plasma, because its the only place that I just have to sit there and do nothing. Im not enjoying the experience, so i might as well read something i dont enjoy at the same time instead of ruining a perfectly good book reading time somewhere else. <3